FILKs

Sometimes I just find myself WAAAAAYYYYY too bored for my own good. So, as I usually do when I'm bored, I found a way to entertain myself. These FILKS (otherwise known as parody songs) cover a range of topics. Some of them are related to anime, others to gaming, and at least a couple of them are devoted to my job! Enjoy!

Check out what others have said about my writings!

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The Gaming FILKs!

As I've mentioned before, I've been a gamer chick for the better part of twenty years. Not only do I play, but I also run campaigns every now and again, the most memorable being my 7th Sea campaign, which ran over three years. (Think swashbuckling with a dose of magic, a handful of angst, a touch of romance, and a lot of chaos, and you've got the right idea.) But being a GM (aka Game Master, Storyteller, or She Who Is In Charge) is not always an easy task, and oftentimes is a thankless one.

THE STORYTELLER
(To the tune of "The Entertainer" by the incomparable Billy Joel)

I am the Storyteller and I know just where I stand
Just another campaign goddess with a mixed-bag players’ band.
Today I am your GM, I may have won your hearts,
I just know the game, I don’t have a name,
And you won't be here in another year
As my game just falls to parts.

I am the Storyteller and I've had to pay my price
When I’d forget things at the first, my players’d start throwing dice!
And still they come to haunt me, still they want their say.
So I give XP as they try to see
The latest enemy so they’ll know to flee…
Then they go the other way.

I am the Storyteller, I live in my own world,
I've played all kinds of systems, most make me want to hurl.
I can't remember players, I don't remember names.
But what the hell, you know it's just as well
'Cause after a trice and a thousand dice,
It all becomes the same.

I am the Storyteller, I bring to you my tales.
But no matter how I plot and plan, my timeline always fails.
The players make demands, they just won’t stay in line.
Gotta get some sleep for that job I keep
And I'd love to play but there's bills to pay
So I just don't have the time.

I am the Storyteller, I've come to run my show.
You've heard my players talk about it, on and on they go!
It took me months to plan it, it was the best time of my life.
It was a great campaign, full of blood and pain,
As the PCs took the hits, then they started throwing fits,
As the players fell to strife.

I am the Storyteller, a gamer tried and true,
But there’s just no compensation for the crap they put me through.
They want more blood and violence, they want more mystery!
And if I don’t give, I ain’t gonna live,
So the angst appears, and my players’ cheers
Are the sweetest praise to me.

I am the Storyteller and I know just where I stand -
Just another campaign goddess with an awesome PC band.
Today I am their GM, my game has won their hearts,
Cause I’m not the same “just like the other game,”
And I’ll still be here in another year
As my latest campaign starts…

This is our 7th Sea theme song. I wrote this on a whim for my players and myself, and they absolutely LOVED it. (Especially since wine plays such a fundamental role in the game.) Each of our characters is mentioned in a way that totally nailed their personality styles. The players are, in order, Becky (Gabrielle), Chris (Connor), Jeff (Diego), Chrissy (Vera), Jim (Gustaphe), me (TaraLeila), Ed (Vito), and John (Inigo).

YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF WINE!
(To the tune of "Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum")

Eight PCs on a dead man’s chest, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
Beat Elaine’s Knights, we’re the best, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
Tempting promise, sexy guile, ever in Gabrielle’s smile, practically invented style!
Loves amour and loves to dance, she lives only for romance
But without cash, you’ve got no chance! Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!

Eight PCs, the pirates’ bane, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
As we fly colours of Elaine, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
Once the Highwayman, you see, stealing kisses and money (Elaine’s men ended his highway spree)
Now with Glamour in his soul, Sidhe mischief’s taking its toll
Connor seeks to make his heart whole... Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!

Eight PCs on the high seas, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
Dispatching pirates with casual ease, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
Diego’s left the family line, seeks his fortune ‘cross the brine, he lives for Castillian wine
With dark and dashing handsome looks, you’ll never find his nose in the books
He’s out defeating Montaigne crooks! Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!

Eight PCs ride ‘cross the land, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
Saved Montague from Matushka’s hand, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
Second fiddle Vera plays to her sister’s lusty ways as long as some horny fool pays
So she watches Gabrielle’s back against a sneaky foe’s attack
Now is not the time to slack! Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!

Eight PCs living like lords, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
Saved the O’Bannon from cold iron swords, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
Gustaphe Le Brun’s on the run (Deserting simply isn’t done), now he looks out for number one
With beer mugs he’s a deadly shot - with pistols, well, he’s not so hot
He gives the Knights all that he’s got! Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!

Eight PCs off to Montaigne, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
Montgomery Pearson’s quite a pain, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
A woman born of dark and light, her Clan destroyed in just one night, has never known rapture’s delight
As TaraLeila now she’s known, Unseelie hunter of renown
All her life she’s been alone... Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!

Eight PCs ‘cross Théah ride, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
It’s simply not our style to hide, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
Vito’s usually in the dark - his knives, they rarely miss their mark (In fact this whole jaunt’s just a lark)
Now this Vodacce had to flee Villanova’s death decree
For this, HIS death he’s sworn to see! Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!

Eight PCs looking for trouble, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
We just give Vito cash to double, Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
Inigo’s not known to laugh (He’s actually missing his other half), loves to watch his cousin gaffe
Castillian wine’s his favorite thing, guitar he’ll play and songs he’ll sing
Then be El Vago for a fling! Yo ho ho and a bottle of wine!
The Fan Fiction FILKs!

CITY OF HEROES

Veteran of the Rikti Wars - You know you've played the game too long when FILKs come to mind. This song just lent itself so well to a COH FILK that here it is for your amusement. No particular character in mind, but this definitely takes Issue 10 'Invasion' into account!

DRAGONBALL Z

King Kai - One of my FILKs that was too good not to share, done to Steve Martin's 'KING TUT'.


SAMURAI 7

Have Some Rice - A weird and wacky FILK for SAMURAI 7, this one done to the music of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST! Peasants and samurai both lend their voices to the song as the farmers search for their saviors!

I'm in the Mood for Rice - From Heihachi's Greatest Hits, done to the song I'M IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE.

Les Samurai - A new FILK from the 'Live from Kanna Village' double album... Another Disney classic is folded, spindled, and mutilated to form a SAMURAI 7 song to the tune of LES POISSONS! And if you can, read it with an accent...
The Tech Support FILKs!

TAKE A CALL

(To the tune of "Be Our Guest" from the Disney film BEAUTY AND THE BEAST)

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is with deep resignation and great patience that we assist you this morning. And now we invite you to sit down, take a deep breath, as the call center proudly presents - technical support."

Take a call, take a call
Or our team will take the fall
The computer must be on first, sir
Or it just won't work at all
SSLs, FTP, It's as quick as 1-2-3
Try the F A Q, it's right there
Jesus Christ, this is a nightmare
I would sing, I would dance
Just to get a second chance
At getting your credit card underneath my thrall
Go on and grab your bag
And a discount you'll snag
Take a call
Yes, a call
Take a call

Host support, ATS
What the devil is THIS mess
And we plead that we will need
Their expertise and their finesse
Redirects, forwarding, a new domain is just the thing
No one's rude or ever swearing
With QA, unless you're daring
I tell jokes I do tricks
As their problems I do fix
And I take all their abuse though I am galled
Come on and get a grip
'Cause I'm about to flip
As I take calls, I feel mauled
As my back's against the wall
Take a call
Take a call
Take a call

Life is not relaxing
In this job 'cause it's so taxing
We're not happy without a soul to wait upon
Ah, those good old days when queues were really low
Suddenly those good old days are gone
Ten minutes we've been holding
Needing so much more than scolding
Needing exercise, a chance to stretch our legs
Most days we just lay around the center
Flabby, fat and lazy
The boss just came in - look busy!

Take a call, take a call
The server's moving at a crawl
Clients whinging, I'm unhinging
I'll be hiding in the hall
Windows, Mac, Linux, too
I have no clue what to do
While DNS is propagating
A new caller that I'm hating
VDS, Dedicate, no, a server's not a plate
Speed it up! Or there'll be no more breaks at all!
We've got a lot to do
My God, you see that queue?!
So take a call
Take a call
Take a call

Take a call, take a call
There's no sale that is too small
Even one domain can be your gain
When your numbers start to stall
Backorders, web hosting, no, we don't do marketing
And web stats aren't updating
Course the calls just aren't abating
Call by call, one by one
'Til we scream, "Enough! I'm done!"
Because of course an Outlook call is such a ball!
And now my voice is gone
My face is pale and wan
Take a call
Take a call
Take a call
Please, take a call
TECH SUPPORT
(To the tune of "Piano Man" by Billy Joel)

It’s six o’clock on a Monday morn
First shift comes staggering in
There’s a hundred calls in the queue today
Coz the damned server’s down once again
They say “hey where the hell is my website
I know it was here yesterday!”
And there’s “Why did YOU mess with my Outlook Express
Coz I sure didn’t set it this way!”
Oh blah blah blah yadda yah yah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Fix all our problems, you’re the tech support
Fix all our problems tonight
Coz it’s blatantly obvious that it’s your fault
And customers are always right

So I answer the next call – this one’s hosting
And I listen to another tirade
As the customer freaks for the tenth time this week
About changes they’ve already made
I say sir it requires propagation
It only takes a day or two
No they want the nameservers changed RIGHT NOW
And they just won’t shut up til you do
Oh blah blah blah yadda yah yah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

The next call is a high-powered executive
Losing billions of business a day
So I pitch dedicated but his mind is fixated
On the money he’s throwing away
And the call queue is rapidly mounting
As the server-side problems abound
And the techs are all eating their headsets
Coz the supes are nowhere to be found

Fix all our problems, you’re the tech support
Fix all our problems tonight
Coz it’s blatantly obvious that it’s your fault
And customers are always right

It’s a typical scene for a Monday morn
As the supes start to bitch about calls
But the techs all just smile since it’s so worth our while
To watch clients take the supes by the balls
And the hold system music's like pulling teeth
And I’m so irked I’m ready to swear
But I know that QA can hear all that I say
Though at this point I don’t really care
Oh blah blah blah yadda yah yah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Fix all our problems, you’re the tech support
Fix all our problems tonight
Coz it’s blatantly obvious that it’s your fault
And customers are always right
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